Why Gifts Matter

I am a chronic purger of things. I have a fear of "Stuff-itus" and and constantly trying to disinfect my home against affluenza. Add to that all the sentimentality of an aboriginal nomad and I really am the worst person you can imagine at seeing the value in gifts.

Over the last few years of asking my self if things have purpose, meaning or value I've grown cold to the idea that things could be more than just tools to make life easier.

So when I read the 5 Love Languages and that gifts were one of them I rolled my eyes and joked about how you can't buy love. Secretly though, I was terrified. If gifts really meant that much to people (like my mom and sister!) and I was really that bad at giving them, what was that saying to them about how I regard them?! Since stuff was just stuff to me I projected that out look on others and simply quit stressing over them or giving useful things like work gloves and grocery store gift cards when gifts were absolutely required. The idea that a gift could be worth more than the price tag was overwhelming and confusing to me and to be honest, for a long time, annoying as well.

It all started to change for me though last year. When I turned 30 there was no celebration with friends or cake (two of my favorite things) my birthday just came and went while we were camping. As juvenile as it sounds I enjoy birthdays and I was bummed but moving on when my friend Jessie showed up at my door the day we got back with a homemade gold quilt (based off a discussion we had the month before about golden birthdays at a time when she was one of the only people in the world I could connect with during my miscarriage). I was so overwhelmed that she remembered me, spent the time, energy, and money to make it for me, and put so much thought behind it, that I cried...twice. Even now, every time I put it on my lap I feel loved. As I sat there the first night with it, the thought occurred to me that sometimes things are not just things, but a physical reminder that you are known and loved.

Everything got crazy with the move and new pregnancy but as the new year started I determined to be better. To become bilingual in the language of love and really find out what it means to give good gifts.

The first step was remembering important events in people's lives and since I can't even remember my own car keys half the time I started with making a birthday calendar of my immediate family, in laws, and closest friends. (I'll hopefully extend to nieces and nephews and other friends next year) I figured if I can send a text to my brother in law to say "happy birthday" it will at least send the message that I'm happy they are a part of my life.

For my friends I would try to send a gift to show them that I value our relationship, am thinking of them, and know them well enough to give a gift they'll enjoy.

That last part was the kicker. So far I've mailed gift cards which I think they will like based off what I know about them but it's still not very personal. I bombed a stationary and jewelry gift and barely passed on a mothers day gift. Giving meaningful gifts takes a lot of work! You really have to listen and ask and know someone to give a gift that they will like, use, or cherish. The truth is, it's never been about stuff, it's about spending time to think deeply about who they are and what you like about them, sacrificing time and/or money to express that thought, and picking the right time to do it.

This little experiment has taught me a lot so far. Mostly about myself and how much better of a friend I should be to those I love than I have been... but that was kind of the point wasn't it? Now I see the value in taking the time to fumble my way through this new language and hope that my friends get the gist of what I'm trying to say when they receive an envelope with a hand written note on an Arby's napkin with an Amazon gift card a a week late. That while I may lack the eloquence of a signed book by their favorite author that we heard speak two years ago then laughed out butts off as we got lost in the drive home, the message is essentially the same. That they are remembered, important to me, and loved.

While I doubt I'll suddenly become sentimental or have a love affair with commercial holidays; I have to acknowledge that the gifts I've been given through time, that have really affected me, have come from a place of thoughtfulness, love, and really knowing me- at times better than I know my self and it's those qualities that make phenomenal friends. I definitely want to be one of those one day because I absolutely have them now. If I can express that with a bow or an inside joke, then all the better. So I'll continue to practice until I'm a fluent gift giver and enjoy the richness of seeing the world from outside my own perspective again.

To see my blog on the Love language of Words of Affirmation click here!