It's no secret that kids love to hear kind words and if you are familiar with "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman then you know we should be pouring our love out in all five languages to kids as often as we can. His basic theory is that there are five ways we show/ receive love from others and everyone has a preferred way to 'speak' and 'hear' love from one another. The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, The Gift of Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts (click the links to blog posts about the other love languages). I'm starting to see a preference in my oldest for words of affirmation. Our words carry so much weight with our kids when they are little but even more so when this is the primary way they seek our love and attention.
But what are "Words of Affirmation"? These are the things we say (or write) to our children that tell them they are doing a good job, they are loved, they are needed and they are wanted. Sometimes when this isn't YOUR primary love language its hard to "speak" it to the ones who are eagerly waiting to hear it from you. My husband likes to jokingly say "I told you I loved you once and if that ever changes I'll let you know" but for someone who needs to HEAR his love daily that would be torture! So I thought I'd share some of the ways I'm learning to speak to my son (and my sister) who need to literally hear my love.
One way my preschooler just loves is simply asking "Do you know what I love about you?" followed by a specific example of something about who he is or what he has been doing lately. Like "I love how you take the time to include your younger brother when you play with your trains, that is very thoughtful." or "I love how you think of ways to make great grandma comfortable when she visits and how concerned you are when she is sick, that shows a lot of love" or "I love when you try to do things your self. That takes initiative." Giving specific examples shows that you are paying attention to what they are doing or trying to do. Labeling virtues helps them understand them better when you are trying to teach what initiative, empathy, and hard work are as well as helps them associate those characteristics with themselves. It builds confidence and a stronger sense of self and confirms your love and involvement in their life.
Something my husband and I like to do is to SAY A SPECIAL PRAYER with them at bedtime. Just the three of us where we thank God for them and list specific things they have done to bring joy to our life and contribute to the family. We also pray for things they are concerned about or struggling with to show them that we are aware of their strengths and with them in their struggles and that our Heavenly Father is too.
For the Child who likes to write I've heard of several mothers who KEEP A JOURNAL that the two of them write back and forth to each other when ever they feel the need to and leave on each other's pillow when it needs to be read. This is a great way to keep the communication flowing when the kids get older and have a hard time articulating themselves in the moment it's also a sneaky way to get them to practice their handwriting.
If your child is not yet writing you can DRAW A PICTURE of them doing something extraordinary and tell them about it. For example my boys are very much into being strong lately. So I drew a picture of my son carrying a heavy box and told him it was because he was SO strong. We talked about what could be in the box and how strong he would have to be to lift it. Also what he can do to get stronger. Yes it did help with this language development and some early math concepts but what I was really trying to do was reach his heart and show him that I know his desires, believe in his dreams, and want to help him reach his goals.
Often though its much easier than all this. You can simply look at them until you have their attention. Smile and say "I just love you. Always. No matter what". You can tell them this when they are happy, when they are sniffling after a fit, when they are tired or hurt. The more you say it the more they will believe it.
Before you know it you will here them say "Mom I just Love You" out of the blue or "Dad, you know what I like about you? You cook me breakfast everyday" or "James you can do hard things because you are STRONG like daddy" they pattern their language after ours so lets let our language be one of love, affirmation, and teaching.
If you haven't had a chance to check out the 5 love languages here is an affiliate link to my favorite of his books:
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