Why every mom needs a sister

I walk in to dinner with my sister and start with out skipping a beat:

 "The other day I had a funny thought that I got up to run to the store and leave you with the kids and you were like "Where do you think your going?" 

So I said "To buy toilet paper and Pepsi" 

"You can't leave me with all the kids" 

"Watch me" 

"You do and I'll give them all juice and let them watch paw patrol the whole time" 

"You wouldn't" 

"I would"

 "Then I'll tell them about the leftover cake in the fridge and that you will share with whomever can cut this price of paper into the smallest pieces" 

"I'll let them craft with glitter on your carpet" 

"I introduce your 6 year old to beat boxing" 

"I'll buy all of your kids recorders for Christmas" .... 

At this point she is just smiling and nodding barely able to control her laughter, only it's not because she thinks I'm funny.  It's because a Goodrich can't help but laugh at her own joke (It's science). Even if she just has the one joke because it always works.

  "...Leggings are not pants" 

"Mom bun is not a hair style" 

"Diet Pepsi is not breakfast" 

Then she cracks.

"And then what happened Christina?" 

and we are rolling. 

Because only a sister can crack you up with the same question every time you take off on a long winded imaginative tangent and drag them along for the ride. (Which is way more often than I care to admit) Only a sister will listen to said tangent then spend the next twenty minutes making up good mom insults with you and try to record a video of said disses to save for posterity or a really humiliating family reunion. Only a sister will talk about the same struggles over and over with newfound encouragement and wisdom very time you mom fail and have genuine excitement when your 2 year old poops in the potty without an incentive. 

Then there is my other sister. The one who asks for advice she never takes and tells me my political ideas are stupid to my face (while everyone else is making the crazy sign when they think I'm not looking) she is so blunt it drives me crazy. The only other person I know who even comes close to telling it like it is the way she does is... me. (It's funny how what draws you to others is what you see in your self too) We don't always get along but we always have each others back and there is something to be said for fierce loyalty in a PC world. The funny thing is though, the more different we become the more I love her, because when you love someone different than you, you love their soul and can see the best in them even when they can't. If you're good to each other you point it out. Having a bond like sisterhood too means that you forgive faster, love deeper, and can be more honest sooner than you can in other friendships. Which gives you the grace to be your real, genuine, unfiltered self knowing that even if they think you're nuts they are not going anywhere and love you anyway.

As much as I love my sisters the fact is I have many more sisters. Sister in laws that are every much family in my heart as if they had always been there. Friends who showed up (when I was laid out on the floor and couldn't move and did my laundry) or weren't afraid to get very real and very personal when I just needed to be seen as an interesting individual instead of just my favorite title "mom". 

Motherhood has its own challenges and sweet rewards and women need sister's to share it (and sometimes bare it) with. Women who know them as a sister, a friend, a woman, AND a mom. All the little prices that make up who we are and when to call out and strengthen each piece. Women are social creatures and sometimes men, God bless them, don't get it. Not in a way a sister in the trenches does. Not in the way someone who has the perspective of knowing us as an awkward teen, ambitious graduate, fawning newlywed, or nervous new mom (or whatever stage they came into our life) to remind us how far we have come or the spark that is still in us. Sometimes we just need added feminine intuition or encouragement to trust our own. Sometimes we just need a reminder of who we are beyond our titles and duties. Having sisters helps us keep our sense of self alive in the most joyful way.

If you don't have a sister, reach out to another mom. She gets it and if she gets you, then you've found an invaluable treasure that will see YOU through everything life throws your way. Someone who will call you out on your crazy, laugh with you, cry with you, or just bring you chocolate and sit with you quietly on the days that are just too much. Because what is a sister but another woman who knows you best and sticks with you through it all.

Folding the Flag

In the middle of making taco salad this evening my husband asked if I had a minute to help him with something. Without looking up I said "You bet!" expecting to balance a board or hold a wrench. When I stepped away from the stove I couldn't help but ask "Where did you get that?" surprised at the tattered and dirty American flag roughly the size of our couch.

"Your dad asked me to bring it to John (my brother in law) so the scouts can dispose of it appropriately." 

As I held one end and he started folding from the other I was completely caught off guard by the flood of emotions.

With each fold I thought of my Dad serving, and my Grandfather. I remembered the anthem playing as we picked my dad up from work on the base. I remembered holding my hand over my heart at a parade. My first feeling of reverence. I thought of the first time I saw the Vietnam memorial, how the names went on and on, and as he reached me...I held my breath to keep the irrepressible tear for the many women who have been handed a folded flag for their husbands and sons who gave everything for the love of our country.

I don't know the story of the flag I saw tonight but there is power in a symbol like that. Just like my wedding ring was more than a metal and stone band the moment it was given with a promise, the flag was so much more than a piece of fabric, from the moment the first one was sewn with a hope. When I pledge allegiance to this flag I am showing my devotion to the principles it represents, the virtues our founding fathers stood for. Liberty, honor, sacrifice. When a symbol carries that kind of weight and history you can't help but feel it. Those virtues are the ones that band us together as Americans, even when it feels like we are tearing a part.

Lately I've been feeling uninspired to patriotism. Disillusioned at our electoral system and embarrassed at the public's preference of representation, I've frequently thought "It's come to this? What could possibly be next? Is there anything left to be proud of?" and tonight I got my answer.

Yes. There is something to be proud of in being American. While we have our problems and make our mistakes. We have a brilliant courageous heritage. Our foundation is strong and even if we have to fall apart to build back up, I know we can, as long as the flag still flies for liberty and justice under God.

Creating a Family Mission Statement

Hatch Family Mission Statement

It's important to have a clear vision of what you are trying to accomplish so when life gets messy you can refocus on what is MOST important to you and sometimes just cut back all the busy that seems to infiltrate our lives to the essential things that will help you reach that goal.

When my husband and I set out to write our first mission statement we were pregnant with our first and decided to:

1. List the key values we wanted to teach our son. 
2. Narrow the list to the MOST important values and carefully chose words that would incorporate more than one concept that was important to us. 
3. We then listed these values and expanded on why they are important to us then looked at this
   explanation of values.
4. Finally came up with a more concise goal that would be easy to remember and post on our walls. 

Then a few years later after attending a homeschooling conference I was inspired to create a vision statement as a "end goal" for what I was trying to accomplish through homeschooling which is really just an extension of our family life. By then we had decided that our guiding scripture was "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 and that ideally when we are done we are going to have sons that are ambitious and creative to reach their goals yet at their core display Christian virtues. We hope to encourage these innate values in our boys through cultivating their gifts instead of coercing them into ours.

As time goes on our mission/vision for our family evolves to be more clear/less wordy but over the last 4 years I've been surprised by how little has changed with the substance. I think this is because we really took the time to dig deep, know ourselves, and pray for God's hand in our lives when we created it. I hope you have just as much inspiration and success as you decide what is important for your family too and find the process/ set up of our mission (what we work on day to day) and vision (how we see our family's future) statements helpful.

Vision Statement:

Cultivating Drive and Virtue

Mission Statement:

We live with Intention, seeking wisdom, showing love, and expressing gratitude.

Explanation of values:

Hatch Family Explanation of Values

Motto:

“I can do hard things”

Why Gifts Matter

I am a chronic purger of things. I have a fear of "Stuff-itus" and and constantly trying to disinfect my home against affluenza. Add to that all the sentimentality of an aboriginal nomad and I really am the worst person you can imagine at seeing the value in gifts.

Over the last few years of asking my self if things have purpose, meaning or value I've grown cold to the idea that things could be more than just tools to make life easier.

So when I read the 5 Love Languages and that gifts were one of them I rolled my eyes and joked about how you can't buy love. Secretly though, I was terrified. If gifts really meant that much to people (like my mom and sister!) and I was really that bad at giving them, what was that saying to them about how I regard them?! Since stuff was just stuff to me I projected that out look on others and simply quit stressing over them or giving useful things like work gloves and grocery store gift cards when gifts were absolutely required. The idea that a gift could be worth more than the price tag was overwhelming and confusing to me and to be honest, for a long time, annoying as well.

It all started to change for me though last year. When I turned 30 there was no celebration with friends or cake (two of my favorite things) my birthday just came and went while we were camping. As juvenile as it sounds I enjoy birthdays and I was bummed but moving on when my friend Jessie showed up at my door the day we got back with a homemade gold quilt (based off a discussion we had the month before about golden birthdays at a time when she was one of the only people in the world I could connect with during my miscarriage). I was so overwhelmed that she remembered me, spent the time, energy, and money to make it for me, and put so much thought behind it, that I cried...twice. Even now, every time I put it on my lap I feel loved. As I sat there the first night with it, the thought occurred to me that sometimes things are not just things, but a physical reminder that you are known and loved.

Everything got crazy with the move and new pregnancy but as the new year started I determined to be better. To become bilingual in the language of love and really find out what it means to give good gifts.

The first step was remembering important events in people's lives and since I can't even remember my own car keys half the time I started with making a birthday calendar of my immediate family, in laws, and closest friends. (I'll hopefully extend to nieces and nephews and other friends next year) I figured if I can send a text to my brother in law to say "happy birthday" it will at least send the message that I'm happy they are a part of my life.

For my friends I would try to send a gift to show them that I value our relationship, am thinking of them, and know them well enough to give a gift they'll enjoy.

That last part was the kicker. So far I've mailed gift cards which I think they will like based off what I know about them but it's still not very personal. I bombed a stationary and jewelry gift and barely passed on a mothers day gift. Giving meaningful gifts takes a lot of work! You really have to listen and ask and know someone to give a gift that they will like, use, or cherish. The truth is, it's never been about stuff, it's about spending time to think deeply about who they are and what you like about them, sacrificing time and/or money to express that thought, and picking the right time to do it.

This little experiment has taught me a lot so far. Mostly about myself and how much better of a friend I should be to those I love than I have been... but that was kind of the point wasn't it? Now I see the value in taking the time to fumble my way through this new language and hope that my friends get the gist of what I'm trying to say when they receive an envelope with a hand written note on an Arby's napkin with an Amazon gift card a a week late. That while I may lack the eloquence of a signed book by their favorite author that we heard speak two years ago then laughed out butts off as we got lost in the drive home, the message is essentially the same. That they are remembered, important to me, and loved.

While I doubt I'll suddenly become sentimental or have a love affair with commercial holidays; I have to acknowledge that the gifts I've been given through time, that have really affected me, have come from a place of thoughtfulness, love, and really knowing me- at times better than I know my self and it's those qualities that make phenomenal friends. I definitely want to be one of those one day because I absolutely have them now. If I can express that with a bow or an inside joke, then all the better. So I'll continue to practice until I'm a fluent gift giver and enjoy the richness of seeing the world from outside my own perspective again.

To see my blog on the Love language of Words of Affirmation click here!

"Do You Know What I Love About You?" (5 ways to TELL your child you love them.)

One little question and a smile creeps across his face. He tries to hide his excitement as he answers "No mom, what do you just love about me?"

It's no secret that kids love to hear kind words and if you are familiar with "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman then you know we should be pouring our love out in all five languages to kids as often as we can. His basic theory is that there are five ways we show/ receive love from others and everyone has a preferred way to 'speak' and 'hear' love from one another. The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, The Gift of Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts (click the links to blog posts about the other love languages).  I'm starting to see a preference in my oldest for words of affirmation. Our words carry so much weight with our kids when they are little but even more so when this is the primary way they seek our love and attention.

But what are "Words of Affirmation"? These are the things we say (or write) to our children that tell them they are doing a good job, they are loved, they are needed and they are wanted. Sometimes when this isn't YOUR primary love language its hard to "speak" it to the ones who are eagerly waiting to hear it from you. My husband likes to jokingly say "I told you I loved you once and if that ever changes I'll let you know" but for someone who needs to HEAR his love daily that would be torture! So I thought I'd share some of the ways I'm learning to speak to my son (and my sister) who need to literally hear my love.

One way my preschooler just loves is simply asking "Do you know what I love about you?" followed by a specific example of something about who he is or what he has been doing lately. Like "I love how you take the time to include your younger brother when you play with your trains, that is very thoughtful." or "I love how you think of ways to make great grandma comfortable when she visits and how concerned you are when she is sick, that shows a lot of love" or "I love when you try to do things your self. That takes initiative." Giving specific examples shows that you are paying attention to what they are doing or trying to do. Labeling virtues helps them understand them better when you are trying to teach what initiative, empathy, and hard work are as well as helps them associate those characteristics with themselves. It builds confidence and a stronger sense of self and confirms your love and involvement in their life.

Something my husband and I like to do is to SAY A SPECIAL PRAYER with them at bedtime. Just the three of us where we thank God for them and list specific things they have done to bring joy to our life and contribute to the family. We also pray for things they are concerned about or struggling with to show them that we are aware of their strengths and with them in their struggles and that our Heavenly Father is too.

For the Child who likes to write I've heard of several mothers who KEEP A JOURNAL that the two of them write back and forth to each other when ever they feel the need to and leave on each other's pillow when it needs to be read. This is a great way to keep the communication flowing when the kids get older and have a hard time articulating themselves in the moment it's also a sneaky way to get them to practice their handwriting.

If your child is not yet writing you can DRAW A PICTURE of them doing something extraordinary and tell them about it. For example my boys are very much into being strong lately. So I drew a picture of my son carrying a heavy box and told him it was because he was SO strong. We talked about what could be in the box and how strong he would have to be to lift it. Also what he can do to get stronger. Yes it did help with this language development and some early math concepts but what I was really trying to do was reach his heart and show him that I know his desires, believe in his dreams, and want to help him reach his goals.

Often though its much easier than all this. You can simply look at them until you have their attention. Smile and say "I just love you. Always. No matter what". You can tell them this when they are happy, when they are sniffling after a fit, when they are tired or hurt. The more you say it the more they will believe it.

Before you know it you will here them say "Mom I just Love You" out of the blue or "Dad, you know what I like about you? You cook me breakfast everyday" or "James you can do hard things because you are STRONG like daddy" they pattern their language after ours so lets let our language be one of love, affirmation, and teaching.

If you haven't had a chance to check out the 5 love languages here is an affiliate link to my favorite of his books:

Raising Boys in a Feminist World

As a mother of boys my perspective on feminism has changed so much. 

I follow "A Mighty Girl" and have decided not all feminism is a twisted way for yet another person to speak for us collectively as women in regards to our social and political views. Our Fore-mothers have done so much to make the life I know and live possible and to discount that would be be selfish and wrong. I still take issue with unreasonable accommodation or the thought that jobs would be given BECAUSE of gender to fit some affirmative action law instead of being granted because of MERIT... but I have seen first hand how incredibly sexist the work place can still be in 2016. 

There are still legitimate cultural barriers for women today, so the work of feminism marches forward, and my part largely will be the work I do within the walls of my own home. I liked the idea of raising a strong, brave, smart girl who is confident enough to be feminine and supportive of her man without the guilt of betraying the feminist movement and assertive at work and in her community without the shame of being "bossy" or "bitchy" because she is a well spoken woman instead of a well spoken man.

I feel that traditional gender roles do not in anyway take away from progressive change for women when fulfilled with a sense of integrity. I'm not likely to have a girl (since i'm pretty sure we are done after this one) but I'll have 3 boys who will one day be 3 men. These men will see women as strong capable partners. They will know how to treat them with respect because their father treats me with respect. Good men who are not ashamed of their masculinity, and have a strong enough sense of self to know that masculinity and kindness are not mutually exclusive but are actually one in the same; are just as important as strong women who are not embarrassed by their femininity and know that soft can be strong.  I am honored to get to raise 3 of them and pray that I do an adequate job of showing them what a woman can be. As a stay at home mom I can show them how women cook, clean and nurture but also how they work, lead, learn and teach. The work I do will shape how they see, and talk about, and date women. So all you parents out there raising valiant, fierce, beautiful girls can rest safe knowing there are strong, loving, capable men for them to marry. The work I do will redeem the next generation from the threat of undervaluing men or putting the pressure on women to "do it all" when doing what they love is enough by setting a mold for strong families.

And if that's not powerful, I don't know what is.