Why Gifts Matter

I am a chronic purger of things. I have a fear of "Stuff-itus" and and constantly trying to disinfect my home against affluenza. Add to that all the sentimentality of an aboriginal nomad and I really am the worst person you can imagine at seeing the value in gifts.

Over the last few years of asking my self if things have purpose, meaning or value I've grown cold to the idea that things could be more than just tools to make life easier.

So when I read the 5 Love Languages and that gifts were one of them I rolled my eyes and joked about how you can't buy love. Secretly though, I was terrified. If gifts really meant that much to people (like my mom and sister!) and I was really that bad at giving them, what was that saying to them about how I regard them?! Since stuff was just stuff to me I projected that out look on others and simply quit stressing over them or giving useful things like work gloves and grocery store gift cards when gifts were absolutely required. The idea that a gift could be worth more than the price tag was overwhelming and confusing to me and to be honest, for a long time, annoying as well.

It all started to change for me though last year. When I turned 30 there was no celebration with friends or cake (two of my favorite things) my birthday just came and went while we were camping. As juvenile as it sounds I enjoy birthdays and I was bummed but moving on when my friend Jessie showed up at my door the day we got back with a homemade gold quilt (based off a discussion we had the month before about golden birthdays at a time when she was one of the only people in the world I could connect with during my miscarriage). I was so overwhelmed that she remembered me, spent the time, energy, and money to make it for me, and put so much thought behind it, that I cried...twice. Even now, every time I put it on my lap I feel loved. As I sat there the first night with it, the thought occurred to me that sometimes things are not just things, but a physical reminder that you are known and loved.

Everything got crazy with the move and new pregnancy but as the new year started I determined to be better. To become bilingual in the language of love and really find out what it means to give good gifts.

The first step was remembering important events in people's lives and since I can't even remember my own car keys half the time I started with making a birthday calendar of my immediate family, in laws, and closest friends. (I'll hopefully extend to nieces and nephews and other friends next year) I figured if I can send a text to my brother in law to say "happy birthday" it will at least send the message that I'm happy they are a part of my life.

For my friends I would try to send a gift to show them that I value our relationship, am thinking of them, and know them well enough to give a gift they'll enjoy.

That last part was the kicker. So far I've mailed gift cards which I think they will like based off what I know about them but it's still not very personal. I bombed a stationary and jewelry gift and barely passed on a mothers day gift. Giving meaningful gifts takes a lot of work! You really have to listen and ask and know someone to give a gift that they will like, use, or cherish. The truth is, it's never been about stuff, it's about spending time to think deeply about who they are and what you like about them, sacrificing time and/or money to express that thought, and picking the right time to do it.

This little experiment has taught me a lot so far. Mostly about myself and how much better of a friend I should be to those I love than I have been... but that was kind of the point wasn't it? Now I see the value in taking the time to fumble my way through this new language and hope that my friends get the gist of what I'm trying to say when they receive an envelope with a hand written note on an Arby's napkin with an Amazon gift card a a week late. That while I may lack the eloquence of a signed book by their favorite author that we heard speak two years ago then laughed out butts off as we got lost in the drive home, the message is essentially the same. That they are remembered, important to me, and loved.

While I doubt I'll suddenly become sentimental or have a love affair with commercial holidays; I have to acknowledge that the gifts I've been given through time, that have really affected me, have come from a place of thoughtfulness, love, and really knowing me- at times better than I know my self and it's those qualities that make phenomenal friends. I definitely want to be one of those one day because I absolutely have them now. If I can express that with a bow or an inside joke, then all the better. So I'll continue to practice until I'm a fluent gift giver and enjoy the richness of seeing the world from outside my own perspective again.

To see my blog on the Love language of Words of Affirmation click here!

"Do You Know What I Love About You?" (5 ways to TELL your child you love them.)

One little question and a smile creeps across his face. He tries to hide his excitement as he answers "No mom, what do you just love about me?"

It's no secret that kids love to hear kind words and if you are familiar with "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman then you know we should be pouring our love out in all five languages to kids as often as we can. His basic theory is that there are five ways we show/ receive love from others and everyone has a preferred way to 'speak' and 'hear' love from one another. The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, The Gift of Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts (click the links to blog posts about the other love languages).  I'm starting to see a preference in my oldest for words of affirmation. Our words carry so much weight with our kids when they are little but even more so when this is the primary way they seek our love and attention.

But what are "Words of Affirmation"? These are the things we say (or write) to our children that tell them they are doing a good job, they are loved, they are needed and they are wanted. Sometimes when this isn't YOUR primary love language its hard to "speak" it to the ones who are eagerly waiting to hear it from you. My husband likes to jokingly say "I told you I loved you once and if that ever changes I'll let you know" but for someone who needs to HEAR his love daily that would be torture! So I thought I'd share some of the ways I'm learning to speak to my son (and my sister) who need to literally hear my love.

One way my preschooler just loves is simply asking "Do you know what I love about you?" followed by a specific example of something about who he is or what he has been doing lately. Like "I love how you take the time to include your younger brother when you play with your trains, that is very thoughtful." or "I love how you think of ways to make great grandma comfortable when she visits and how concerned you are when she is sick, that shows a lot of love" or "I love when you try to do things your self. That takes initiative." Giving specific examples shows that you are paying attention to what they are doing or trying to do. Labeling virtues helps them understand them better when you are trying to teach what initiative, empathy, and hard work are as well as helps them associate those characteristics with themselves. It builds confidence and a stronger sense of self and confirms your love and involvement in their life.

Something my husband and I like to do is to SAY A SPECIAL PRAYER with them at bedtime. Just the three of us where we thank God for them and list specific things they have done to bring joy to our life and contribute to the family. We also pray for things they are concerned about or struggling with to show them that we are aware of their strengths and with them in their struggles and that our Heavenly Father is too.

For the Child who likes to write I've heard of several mothers who KEEP A JOURNAL that the two of them write back and forth to each other when ever they feel the need to and leave on each other's pillow when it needs to be read. This is a great way to keep the communication flowing when the kids get older and have a hard time articulating themselves in the moment it's also a sneaky way to get them to practice their handwriting.

If your child is not yet writing you can DRAW A PICTURE of them doing something extraordinary and tell them about it. For example my boys are very much into being strong lately. So I drew a picture of my son carrying a heavy box and told him it was because he was SO strong. We talked about what could be in the box and how strong he would have to be to lift it. Also what he can do to get stronger. Yes it did help with this language development and some early math concepts but what I was really trying to do was reach his heart and show him that I know his desires, believe in his dreams, and want to help him reach his goals.

Often though its much easier than all this. You can simply look at them until you have their attention. Smile and say "I just love you. Always. No matter what". You can tell them this when they are happy, when they are sniffling after a fit, when they are tired or hurt. The more you say it the more they will believe it.

Before you know it you will here them say "Mom I just Love You" out of the blue or "Dad, you know what I like about you? You cook me breakfast everyday" or "James you can do hard things because you are STRONG like daddy" they pattern their language after ours so lets let our language be one of love, affirmation, and teaching.

If you haven't had a chance to check out the 5 love languages here is an affiliate link to my favorite of his books: